Simon's Survival Guide to Ireland

or Ireland in Three Easy Steps

Many things have happenned in the last month or so and there is much to write on these pages. As most of you who read this page already know I took my mom on a trip to Ireland and that, boys and girls, is where our story begins. Before going too far in the telling of this story, though, I thought it would be a good idea to give you pointers (and stern warnings) about Ireland and how to survive in that strange and wonderful land.

First off; when a state of dryness about the throat is about to manifest itself it is allways a good idea to start looking for a suitable watering hole. Now, in Ireland that may not seem to be such a problem because not only is there a pub at every street corner there is also one or two between the ones on the corners. The problem is that if you are not careful you may find yourself in a sub-standard bar. How do you find a good pub I hear you ask. Well, gold lettering is allways a worthy clue as to the status of the pub.

In this picture of a bar in Killarney we find one of the irrefutable clues that this pub is indeed a quality establishment. Notice the Murphy's delivery van, a sure sign! If that van was painted with the colours of any american beer.... BEWARE.

If you prefer a more pastoral experience you may go out of town to enjoy your pint. The view is often times quite breathtaking. Durty Nelly's is in the small town of Bunratty. (small town, big castle) Quite literally breathtaking because if you try to look to the top of Bunratty castle whilst seated on your bar stool you will run out of breath.

By the way, I don't know who Nelly is but I'm sure I'd like her.

The man on the left is your friend. The man on the right may or may not be your friend and this is a complex subject that depends on how many he's had, wether or not his team is winning and ......... arrr forget it for now, he's got pretty big arms and you are still too sober to fight.

The best way to get a drink in Ireland is to walk up to the barkeep and say GUINNESS. He will instantly know that you would like to have a pint of GUINNESS unless you are a girl then he might ask if you would like to have a half pint. I'm not here to start a war between the sexes that's just how it is.

Your other choices are Murphy's Extra Stout or Bulmer's cider. The rest of the taps are there to impress the tourists and they contain vile concoctions called Carlsberg and Heineken. I'm sure I don't need to tell you to stay away from them especially in the presence of the brewing greatness that is Irish beer (and cider!).

Finally, with yur bum firmly on the stool you may enjoy the prize of all your hard labour.

Once you have enjoyed five or six pints your mind is now ready to tackle the great challenge of determining if the guy on the right is a friend or not!

As allways you might want to click on the pictures to get a bigger view.